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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815427">Cathexis</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811'>Missy_dee811</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel (Comics), Marvel Ultimates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Background Character Death, Background Relationships, Cancer, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love Letters, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, POV Steve Rogers, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:16:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There was clothing and half-drank bottles of liquor everywhere. Tony was leaning against the bar with a bottle in hand.<br/>“Darling, is that you?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Team Angst, The SteveTony Games</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cathexis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The lights were off and there was a glass of water next to Steve’s watch and cellphone. They were on the edge of the night table closest to him. The glass of water was a force of habit. He used to wake up in a coughing fit, desperate for something to drink. Coughing fits were exceedingly rare these days, but he still poured himself a glass of water before going to bed. Though, most of the time, he wouldn’t drink it until morning.</p><p>He had set his phone on vibrate and was hoping no one would call him tonight.</p><p>He had spent most of the day with Gail and Bucky and was much too tired to talk to anyone else. Sometimes Jan would call to vent about Hank or entice him with phone sex. He wasn’t in the mood for either tonight.</p><p>He would never get used to seeing Gail and Bucky as old and frail. She was always full of life, but these days, she was coming to terms with her husband’s worsening condition and inevitable death. She would be a widow.</p><p>Steve didn’t envy the task before her.</p><p>Bucky started coughing uncontrollably after dinner. Gail quickly went to his side, knowing exactly what to do. Steve offered them privacy. He cleared the table and took the dishes into the kitchen. Steve always helped his mother in the kitchen. He’d be able to listen to the radio peacefully while his mother assigned him various tasks.</p><p>When he returned, Gail and Bucky were seated on the couch speaking in hushed voices. Steve had intruded enough. They’d been polite enough to invite him to dinner, but dinner was over, they needed their space, and Bucky needed to rest.</p><p>He pulled his phone from his pocket, only to check the time. “I’m sorry,” he said to Gail.</p><p>“Dinner was lovely, but I have to go.”</p><p>He clicked on the last message from Fury and showed it. “Ultimates business.”</p><p>She brushed it off. Surely, she knew he was uncomfortable and wanted to go and was gracious enough to allow him to leave on his own terms. He always appreciated that about her.</p><p>“Next week, same time?”</p><p>“Same time,” said Steve, smiling as he returned his phone to his pocket.</p><p>“You take care,” he said to Bucky, who nodded.</p><p>Gail rushed him out of the house, kissing his cheek, and promising to call if anything happened.</p><p>“Don’t you worry, though,” she said. “We’ll be fine.”</p><p>Steve felt miserable lying, but he felt even worse watching his best friend slowly deteriorate. For Bucky, the war was decades ago. For Steve, it was an empty void. Reminiscing ushered in other feelings, and neither one of them wanted to dwell on those.     </p><p>Steve was hoping there wouldn’t be an emergency, that no one would need the Ultimates. Sometimes, he welcomed the distraction they provided, but not tonight. Tonight, he wanted to sleep and not dream, not wake up in a cold sweat, haunted by what he had seen.</p><p>He was dozing off when the phone started vibrating.</p><p>“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he said. He reached for the phone and answered the call.</p><p>“Hello,” he said.</p><p>He was trying to control his temper. He was pissed, but that wasn’t the caller’s fault. How were they supposed to know he was avoiding everyone?   </p><p>“Steve, <em>please</em>,” said Tony.</p><p>Steve sat up quickly. <em>Tony?</em></p><p>His labored breaths came in quick succession. <em>Was he crying?</em></p><p>Steve was concerned. It wasn’t like Tony to cry. He usually brushed off everything. Did something happen while he was at Gail and Bucky’s house?</p><p>“Tony, what’s wrong?”</p><p>“Fuck, I… I shouldn’t have called,” he said. He wasn’t crying anymore.</p><p>“Shut up,” said Steve. “You already woke me up. I’m coming over.”</p><p>“No! Wait, wait. I’ll call you a cab,” said Tony, distractedly.</p><p>“No, that’s fine. I’ll bike.”</p><p>“No! I’d prefer it if you didn’t. I don’t want… Don’t let anyone see you come into the building, Steve.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Should I bring anything?”</p><p>“Just your gorgeous self, darling. I’ll be waiting,” he said, laughing.</p><p>Tony disconnected before Steve could respond. He got out of bed, got dressed, made the bed, and gathered his belongings. He called a cab while getting dressed, and a car was waiting for him when he walked out of the building. It was a quick trip to the Tower.</p><p>Steve entered from the parking garage, he entered the code for the penthouse, and the elevator took him straight there. The doors opened and revealed… A mess.</p><p>There was clothing and half-drank bottles of liquor everywhere. Tony was leaning against the bar with a bottle in hand.</p><p>“Darling, is that you?”</p><p>He sounded worse in person than he had on the phone. <em>Was Tony sitting here when he called? Why had he called? What did he want from Steve? </em></p><p>“Yes, Tony. It’s me,” said Steve, slowly approaching him.</p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>Tony stood too quickly and slipped on his dressing robe. It was loosely tied in front and dragged along the floor. He fell forward and the bottle in his hand slipped and rolled toward Steve. Some of the vodka spilled, but luckily the bottle didn’t break.</p><p>Tony was still lying where he fell. Steve knelt beside him, turning his face to inspect. He was drunk, that much was clear. He couldn’t leave. Tony had called for him specifically, and there was no one here.</p><p>Tony caressed his cheek. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he said, softly.</p><p>“What’s going on, Tony?”</p><p>“I’m dying, Steve.”</p><p>Steve pulled away, forcing Tony to meet his eyes.</p><p>“The cancer’s back and I’m running out of time. I don’t know why I bother,” said Tony.</p><p>Lying on the floor, he started crying. Steve couldn’t think. <em>Cancer, again.</em> Tony had been in remission, there were no signs. <em>How could this happen?</em></p><p>Steve let him cry while he tidied. When he finished, he came back to Tony, who was no longer lying on the floor, but sitting with his legs crossed. His chest was exposed. Steve had seen Tony strutting around, half naked before, but this time, it was different. He was… Vulnerable, exposed.  </p><p>“It’s fine, darling. I can walk,” said Tony, as Steve offered his hand. He stood and started making his way to the bedroom before stumbling. Steve swooped in and carried him, despite Tony’s protests.  </p><p>Steve put him to bed and held his hand until his breathing evened. He pushed his hair out of his face before walking out of the room. He returned with a glass of water and left it on the night table for Tony to reach.</p><p>Tony hadn’t asked him to stay the night and hadn’t wanted anyone to know Steve had been here, so Steve left before Tony awoke.</p><p>After that night, Steve went back to his life, and Tony… Retreated.</p><p>He had never been this reclusive. He focused all his energy on his company and spent very little time with the Ultimates. The others didn’t know, and Steve wasn’t comfortable discussing someone else’s medical history, not even Tony’s, so he stayed quiet. Tony had entrusted him with something grave, something he hadn’t wanted publicly disclosed. Steve wasn’t going to betray him.</p><p>One morning, Jan had made a snide remark about Tony missing yet another one of their debriefs. Steve replied, “I’m sure Stark has his reason.”</p><p>“Well, I wish he would tell us,” she said, pouting.</p><p>
  <em>No, you don’t.</em>
</p><p>The news came rushing like a tidal wave. Steve had turned on the TV to see if he could catch the day’s weather. Running along the bar at the bottom, Steve read <strong>BREAKING NEWS: IRON MAN DEAD</strong>.</p><p>Moments later, his phone started ringing.</p><p>“Steve! Steve, did you know? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT TONY?”</p><p>“Jan, I have to let you go,” he said.</p><p>“No, you don’t! Tell me, Steve, did you know Tony was dying?”</p><p>“I did, Jan, but he asked me not to tell and I didn’t know it was going to be so soon,” he said. He was trying to justify his actions to himself, but there was no justifying.</p><p>
  <em>Why hadn’t he thought to see him again? Why hadn’t he thought to tell him?</em>
</p><p>A second call was coming in.</p><p>“Jan, I have to let you go. I’m getting a call,” he said before disconnecting and answering the other call.</p><p>“Steve, it’s Pepper. I… I need you to come into the office.”</p><p>“Pepper…”</p><p>“Don’t… Don’t say sorry. Sorry isn’t going to bring him back, sorry isn’t going to cure an incurable brain tumor. Just… just get down here and read over these documents. <em>Please</em>?”</p><p>Later that afternoon, Steve found himself in Tony’s office. Pepper was sitting on the desk sliding him documents.</p><p>“Why do I have to sign all of these?”</p><p>“Tony’s leaving you with the team, now you’re its benefactor, so these are your decisions to make,” she said.</p><p>It was clear she had spent most of the day crying. There was hardly any mascara left.</p><p>“Did he… Did he tell you?”</p><p>“That he was dying? Yeah, he told me,” said Steve.</p><p>“No, not that. That I figured. Did he tell you… The other thing?”</p><p>Steve turned to face her. He couldn’t read her expression. She got off the table and walked around the desk. She opened the bottom drawer and pulled a letter from within.</p><p>“I’ll… I’ll give you a few minutes. I need to freshen up,” she said, before handing him the letter.</p><p>
  <em>Steve,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hope this letter finds you well. As you may already know, the cancer isn’t in remission anymore. I don’t know how long I have and frankly, I don’t care. I’m leaving you the team. You’re the only one I can trust.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s more I wish I could tell you. There’s more I wish I could say to your face, but I’m a coward. My father always said Stark men are made of iron. Maybe he was thinking of Greg.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thank you for rescuing me from myself that night. I hope you’ll forgive me, but I wanted to kiss you. You’re the best of us, Steve, and I will miss you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tony</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You can follow me on <a href="https://viudanegraaa.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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